All the pictures have been burned

Rewind

2010-12-30T08:18:00.001-08:00

Dear Blog,

It's nice to see you again. My last post was on the 13th of July this year. And it's actually really hard to believe that the end of the year is already here - the last day of 2010.

A decade has passed with so many things bittersweet that has happened. I remembered i started up this blog in 2006. A good 4-5 years with loads of gaps in between about my life. Some parts i realise would remain missing for the rest of my life. Some of which i've chosen to forget.

Loves lost and found. Friends come and gone. Life turned upside down. The past 2 years have been by far, the worst, most tiring and most thrilling years of my life. It's been so hard with everything that has happened. I always told myself life wouldn't get as complicated and tough as it is now. But i'll face the new year's challenges head on this time.

I'm turning 19 soon. NS coming and all. I gotta admit i've fooled around a lot the past few years, done a lot of shit that has gotten me into trouble. And thinking about it, yeah i've made some choices. Bad choices at that. Realised that it's time for me to put all of those aside and accept the fact of reality shoving its ass in my face now.

All the nonsensical politics and discrimination the past 2 years, all the judgements i deem unnecessary now, shape who i am today, and who i will continue to grow as a person in the future. I was always told that your habits still can change before you turn 40. And i'm practically 20. I remember the first time i heard that was when i was 8. How long ago that was.

Everyone can admit there are some things we're better off without. Certain people we wished we never met. Certain things we wished we never did or did differently. I'm no exception to it. But looking back, i would have done things a lot differently. I enter the bleak reality of the new decade, uncertain of anything.

My fears for 2011 include the disastrous A level results. I'm just hoping i do well because i felt i hadn't done enough in the past. And i don't want it to be brutal. I want my results to be pleasant. I want it to be good. I want it to be satisfying.

My best moment of 2010 on the very last day, is being able to live through the whole thing and get out in one partially intact piece.

And reason why i've decided to take this down is because this will be the very last post on blogger. I will not shut it down because i'd like to come back in about 5-10 years and read about it all over again. To read how my maturity changed over the years. To read how my life changed over the years.

But i know one thing will never change. How i still love you. 5 years on.If only you knew.

That's it for my very last post. Goodbye.

2010-07-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

Working doubly hard won't even be enough for me anymore.

No more socialising,
no more lunching outside,
no more eating dinner outside
no more spending time at movies,
no more going out on trips,
no more going out with friends,
no more holidays,
no more studying with music,
no more studying in big groups,
no more slacking outside
no more excessive TV time
no more excessive computer time
no more staying out late
no more staying out
no more sinning
no more smoking
no more.

No more. For the next 4 months, no more.

End.

2010-06-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

I am officially declaring this blog on hiatus with the exception of particularly exciting events.

Hiatus will commence on 10 June 2010 and will end on 23 November 2010 - the day i'm finally free

2010-05-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been quite exhausting yet i felt that i had not done much. It's just work and work and work in all it's different forms and i just wonder - how in hell am i gonna take on all of this?!

Tests, revision, homework, COLOSSEUM. The final lap in house comm. All of us wanting to go all out just to end it well. After this wednesday, it's all over. And it just has to clash with my medical check up. Pray i can make it back in time. I so wanna see my cheerleaders through. After this, time to buckle myself down to study. So milk it while i can, and step into the hurricane head on.

I can weather this storm.

Randomness

2010-05-21T09:13:00.001-07:00

I grew up being told that i can do absolutely anything.

18 years later, i am told i cannot do everything.

I choose to believe the former.

Do not point your finger for your folly

2010-05-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

My last post was over a month ago. Gosh that's long. Time seems to be moving so fast that it leave me little, if not no time for anything else.

All that routine studying and whatever's been going on has been in accelerated motion.
Update: We've finished the H2 economics syllabus
Update: We're almost done with H1 Geography syllabus

But right now, i need to pull the jam break lever on my life. I need to sort everything out all over again and figure out some things which i thought i had figured out previously.

MJ had halted my life dead in it's tracks and i have this disgusting feeling of drifting away from my friends, not only within the college itself. Even more so, my friends outside of college. I remember the days in primary school when things were so much brighter. We never really had to care so much about social politics and all that nonsense. When boys didn't like girls and girl's didnt like boys and life was a lot less complicated.

Came the day of Primary School Prom, when me and my cousin unknowingly wore the exact same top to prom. Hahah that's something i can never forget. And all my classmates then, some of which seem to have disappeared from the face of the earth now. I wish i knew what's going on with them.

Secondary school came. I was a Bedok View student. For a day, i admit. Akmal, for a week. Hahah oh did i mention we've been in the same schools since Kindergarten? To the same primary school, to Bedok View and both of us appealed into TK. Yeah. Secondary school life was quite simple. Never aspired to be a leader. But it grew on me. Never wanted to be in Council after the hideous and uncool days of being a prefect in Primary School. There were its politics. CCA. Friends. Nonsense. Tests. Girlfriends. Pranks. Yet everything seemed to have played out alright. Some things have a funny way of playing out You win some friends along the way, you lose some friends along the way. Some might say it's a part of life. But it is avoidable.

Hah. I remember the period before O levels, when i came to Meridian's open house thinking, I want to be here. Went to the upper floor of the library and my reaction was like shit they weren't kiddding when they said this was a mugger school. Lazed around on the synthetic field, catching glances of the open house performances. I'd never be like one of those people. All dancing and attention seeking on stage. I hate that crap.

Things have a funny way of turning on you though. O level results day. 10 points. Yet seemed to me like only a few of us were going into Meridian. Truth be told, i saw myself in SA then. I got into MJ.

Whoopdeedoo.

No more leader stuff. Build up your portfolio on A divs. Show your parents what you're made of.

Floorball and house comm. House vice-captain. Ironic isn't it? But it's okay. At least i won't have an unglam photo of myself blown up on the canteen wall.

Life got so much more complicated here. And i thought with all the studying, i might be able to steer myself away from all of it. Turns out, i was wrong. So many things spun out of control here. Life used to be manageable. Used to. What i thought i knew and was familiar with, proved me so wrong.

Karma loves biting me in the ass.

How much life seems to always throw at me the exact opposite of what i want, that's what keeps it interesting. And i think back. Do i really want my life to be so simple? So mundane that i can't possibly find out any secret to the meaning of life?

The answer stares at me in the face every morning now, on that little paper mirrorf that tells me i got somewhere because there's where life wants me to go to and that i am so much more than simple.

But no one will understand me but me

"So did your studying pay off?"

2010-03-28T08:19:00.001-07:00

March Block Tests are over now. School starts in approximately 9 hours but hey, who's counting?

I'm not gonna lie and say that i didn't study. I did, i definitely did. But i didn't study enough. The feeling sucks when you see the question and all you can think of is "shit! i know this but what....."

And the most sickening thing of all, is that when we already know that the paper was bad, some dare to say with pride and conviction that they will fail. And even worse, they ask you

"so how much of your studying paid off?"

I've drafted up a plan for the next nine weeks. It's not going to be very pretty but that's what term 2 is gonna be all about. Turbo-ing now is unreasonable and i don't intend on burning out by prelims. But let's make it realistic yeah.

I aim to complete revision of the Chemistry and Econs syllabus by June and mastery of the Maths syllabus by August. Let's keep Geography consistent yeah.

~~Fuck~~ screw the term mug. I don't mug anymore. I'm studying. Because mugging just means memorising and reading without understanding. So what's the point? Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays are my studying days in school. No one is going to take me away from it. So what if it's A div season.

And there's just so many people i don't want to disappoint by Mid years. The most significant person being myself. One reason is that i don't mind taking my certificate and shaking hands with the Dragon Lady of education if it means that i'll get somewhere in life.

PW results coming up soon. Wonder when.

2010-03-11T06:48:00.000-08:00

Clock's ticking. A month ago, i remembered telling myself i was supposed to be wearing my retainers for a month. I haven't done that. Not too long after that day, Ms Lai's talk came. I should have started revision. I haven't done that.

That was a month ago.

I got back my chemistry test today. A test that covered the syllabus of organic chem but short of 2 topics. My score, 7.5/25. This is my score for a test and the major exam is in 2 weeks, which covers even more in this test. I feel so stupid.

Class rankings were flashed.

09S417 stands at no. 18 out of 31 classes that take H2 chemistry. The rude shock is that the cohort didn't do very well, and we're in the middle. Nothing to be proud of.

I feel the stretch now. I regret not studying properly in JC1. But it was my mistake to make, not anyone else's. Time to unleash the killer instinct.

I am an Advance student. And in a year, i want to be able to do this:

I am an A~~dvance~~ student

2010-03-01T06:34:00.001-08:00

Gaia hates her children and she's punishing them now.

2010-02-24T06:31:00.000-08:00

Son.Of.A.Bitch.

I swear to god i will roast your nuts and rip your jaw apart. You are no big shot and don't you dare brag to the world you are. You are nothing. You don't deserve respect. You are beneath the human race. You are lousy. You are good for nothing. You're pathetic and a desperate loser.

How's that feel? Go fuck your father you mother fucker.

2010-02-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

I want to sound intelligent. For once. But everything that comes out of my mouth is so intelligent that it all seems normal!

Okay narcissism moment over. Seems really ahead of time but i don't know why i'm thinking of helping out with Colosseum cheerleading. Either as a cheerleader again or as a choreographer.

But i know it's gonna be hell. And worst of all, my parents are going to freak if i join cheerleading again. But it's for sentimental reasons. I mean come on, after Junior College, where am i going to get the opportunity to do all of this anymore? I'm definitely not joining University cheerleading because i've got my eyes set on something greater.

I just wanna do the things that are gonna make me feel young again. Simply because i had the revelation today that once i enlist for National Service, my youthful days are over. Then i'm geared to think career, income, family, support, responsibilities.

I'm gonna make the most of the time i have left. Because i just have a feeling that one day, i'm gonna miss mugging for school as well. For some bizarre reason too, i think my maturity rate is at an all time high. Immaturity is slowing down.

Must be coming with age. Sigh.

2010-02-20T09:50:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, you just need the right people with the right attitude to get things going.

Without that, everything's gonna be a dud.

Let my thoughts dwindle into sparkling water

2010-02-13T08:58:00.000-08:00

Well, the past week has been eventful.

I had my 18th celebration this week. Well i wouldn't call it a celebration but basically i got to enjoy what is close to me. Apart from all the legal benefits that i have already done before that comes with the being 18, there really isn't much to enjoy.

All i know is that now, i can't get arrested for smoking or drinking in public but so what. All i'm waiting for now and am applying for in the process, is my license. :D

2010-02-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but i like cutting my nails. I feel liberated somehow.
It's like freedom from all those sins in that temporary state, stored in your nails like the scent of tobacco from a cigarette. And that you know once you cut it off, it's gone and hidden for good.

So break the silence and live it loud.
Rules will silence you,
Read out loud.
Rules will not
get you into trouble
Rules are made to
be broken.
Rules are demanding to
follow it regardless.
to keep you safe,
Rules stop you
from living the dream,
and realising the harsh reality.
Rules keep you going,
eternally to destroy you,
Rules keep you going
and realising the harsh reality.
From living the dream,
rules stop you
to keep you safe.
Follow it regardless.
Rules are demanding to
be broken.
Rules are made to
get you into trouble.
Rules will not
Read out loud.
Rules will silence you,
So break the silence and live it loud.

2010-02-06T23:45:00.000-08:00

I had so much fun during orientation! So so proud of my House coz they did a really good good job!! But i can bet the OGLs, regardless of house, will agree with me on this.

We had so much fun during orientation that we got lost in the moment and totally forgot about school for 3 days. Then we get a rude shock that a mountain of work has piled up and it doesn't look all that great for us anymore. Never thought missing 4 days of school would be equivalent to missing this much work for school.

And the best part is, half of us are sick and people like me in particular, have slept through the whole weekend. Shit.

My CNY holiday don't look like much of a holiday now.

2010-01-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

Admin days are over.

Now the fun can begin. Here comes the invasion of the houses!

The coming 3 days of orientation are gonna be frickin awesome. Gonna love every moment of it till it all ends!!

BAIK CALLISTO!! BLUE ALL THE WAY!

House cheers, school cheers, mass dances, competition. It's all part of living the Meridian experience.

2010-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

Everybody cries. Everybody dies. No one lives forever.

Something crossed my mind today, which made me rethink my excitement for orientation. Well, not exactly my excitement for orientation because i'm really excited for it. But it makes me dread the ending of finale night.

Think hard. And maybe you would cry too.

2010-01-20T04:51:00.000-08:00

I. NEED. SLEEP. FULLSTOP. PERIOD.

End

2010-01-13T05:36:00.000-08:00

You okay? You've been looking so moody the past two days.

Tired ah cher. Really very tired and been very busy.

Yes, open house is finally over. My official project as a House Comm member is finally over. :D

You can't have everything

2010-01-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

Society today breeds liars.

People lie so much that it just becomes an in-bred characteristic in our human nature. The nature of excuses because you don't want to do something. Because you haven't done something. It just makes you look disgusting. You know that?

I mean come on la. If you haven't done something or don't want to do something, just honestly and openly say it. Rather than whine behind a person's back about the work and come about lying because you haven't done it. Where is the pride in yourself?

People tell me that my new year post is too morbid. Too dark. Too grim. It's so unreal. Is it really unreal? Take a good look around you. The year has barely begun and you see everything being shaken to the core. How long will it remain standing before the foundation collapses?

I don't want to see the bad in people. I feel that it is an unfair judgement if i won't even look at the bad in myself. But sometimes, some people just make it so difficult. The world isn't perfect, isn't it.

Brings me to the whole bitching situation. I seriously don't get the fucking point of bitching about someone who has done no shit to you. What in hell makes you think you're above them in any way? Because you don't get enough fucking attention. What's the matter? Can't get laid?

I would never think that the anger that is actually seething could ever possibly spill out onto my blog but you'd be amazed what an itching burnt back and raw hate can generate. Real fire power.

This year won't be wholly great. Nothing will come out whole at the end. I've set my foresight. It hasn't failed me before.

I intend to sit down on a chair, with a table infront of me and H2 chem worksheets on it while i watch everything destroy and devour itself. Eventually only the right end of my lip will tip up. Because i will be ~~mugging~~ studying for my A levels while those too pre-occupied with their social lives and popularity chasing end up fucking themselves in the face.

I hereby completely disregard my social life with effect from 11 January 2009. I already don't give a shit about the latest gossips in Meridian and will continue to not give a shit. I won't bother myself with going out on trips to Sentosa or giving two shits about annoying step-macho guys who spread bullshit rumours because they don't get enough vaginal/anal attention from girlfriends and resort to guys.

And to those who think i'm crazy for starting on my revision during the holidays for school, i only have one thing to say:

GOOD LUCK in getting your desired results. Judging from it, you've just burned the longest holiday that you'll have before A levels.

Got that?

2010-01-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

I never thought it would be possible for someone to hold in so much anger and rage before they spontaneously combust into a whirlwind of fire which consumes everything around it.

I was wrong.

To be able to feel the damned heat emnating from myself after finding out about some stuff, it disgusts me. Best part, i didn't know i was capable of that much worth of self-control.

Damned hypocrites. Great that i've found out what you've done. You deserve everything that is coming your way.

I'll damn well drag you to hell. My hell is worse than what God created.

EXODUS II

2010-01-01T05:35:00.000-08:00

EXODUS II: INTO THE BLACK

Most people greet the new year with happiness and resolutions that could potentially make their lives happier and more fulfilling. Most people however, fail to realise the grim truth of the coming of 2010.

Today, 1 January 2010, the bulk of us step into the black. And i hear someone whisper in my ear.

Be prepared to see many tears. Look around you. It could be your friends, your family or even yourself. This is not a mere cinema horror movie which only lasts for an hour an a half. This is REAL. A long distance of 11 months where you find yourself stuck in this hell hole. The fear you get from those scary movies pale in comparison to what you are about to experience. It will overwhelm you.

You might think my friends will back me up on this. My friends will stick with me through this. Don't keep your hopes too high. As of this day, your friends are double-edged swords. They are your competition. They are your relief. When the instinct of survival kicks in, everyone will fight. There will be silent resentment when someone does better than you, even if it's for a test. It's human will to fight and to succeed. You compete with them, alongside them, helping each other in any way you can, but enough to make sure you triumph over them in the end. I kid you not. For all of us are now fighting for places in the University.

It is not the time to be ambitious. We do not dream now, for dreams are a hindrance - an obstacle which will consume the fast moving entity called time should we let it control us. It is the time to focus. To put all else aside and not concern ourselves with anything that could potentially fail us.

So how many people can guarantee that they will come out in one piece? How many people can say that the friendships they have made will not be put to the test?

Life this year will not be as pleasant. Life this year, is Meridian. Where there is no Meridian, there shall be no life. Be grateful should there be doubt in your thoughts of happiness this year. Do not imprint an idealistic picture in your minds. You need to realise. You need to be realistic.

Happy New Year kiddos.

-Don't go crying now.

EXODUS III: THE FINAL DESTINATION

-will be written in November 2010

Exodus I

2009-12-28T07:18:00.000-08:00

Exodus - a departure or emigration, usually of a large number of people. The exodus of 2009 is here. We have begun to step forward. Into the end and a new beginning. It did not start off well, i admit. I've lost something very dear to me and i can't bear to leave the year without it.

PART I: OF SADNESS AND SYMPATHY

This year has been a very unique year. I have walked in unknown lands, my head held high. Making a name for myself was not my purpose, but was destiny's purpose. I merely followed it. I entered as an alien. So were the rest. Very different people. Very different perspectives. Very different cultures.

But one common enemy unites us. How much we may dislike the school for its extraordinarily long curriculum time, we come to school for each other. We come to school for our friends. We play hard. Study, maybe not so hard. There is no doubt that i will miss 2009 but 2010 marks the end of my necessary education life. Maybe what the elders say are true. You would wish for your younger days when you are older.

I step out of 2010 with sadness. Sadness that not all the friends i have made in school, will endure the journey alongside me. As i leave 2009, i leave the blissful moments of the year to be etched into my poor memory. I hope my mind doesn't tamper with it though, sweet or sour it may be.

A treacherous journey lies ahead.

EXODUS II: INTO THE BLACK

Movie Review

2009-12-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

Those who haven't watched this movie, go watch it online. I recommend it for those interested in literature.

It revolves around a man who lives out a life of pleasure and retains eternal youth and beauty but as time passes, his painting reveals his true self. I won't spoil the movie. Go watch it.

Because i'm not perfect

2009-12-20T09:58:00.000-08:00

I did some self-reflection today. I just realised that i tend to have an heightened emotional sense whenever something is missing from my life. Like that something's been ripped away from me and i'm despairingly finding a substitute but i somehow know that it's never going to work for me.

Anything and everything can just tick off any random emotion, and raise it to the all time high bar. My mom asked me why i was so moody today. I didn't know. It got me thinking too.

I'm always in this moody state whenever i'm out of the country or prolonged holidays. I finally understood why.

I thought i wanted you back but turns out, i'm way better off without you.

2009-12-20T00:49:00.000-08:00

She sat quietly in her son's Rover car, hanging tightly onto her seatbelt and her prayer paraphenalia for dear life. As he sped down the highway, he muttered and yelled to himself. She barely understood the language he spoke to that little device in his ear telling him what to do.

From the time of his birth, she had always prayed for him. She had prayed for him to escape the life of poverty and the infidelity of her husband. She wanted him to be free and independent. The great Lord had answered her prayer. Her son had become one of the most successful people in the country.

I'm taking the relic to the dome now. I expect all the shipping stocks to be in by today and accounted for. If i get word of a single discrepancy from anyone, you're fired. Is that clear?

He threw the cellphone in anger to the back seat of his car. The phone landed on the old lady's lap. She handed it back to him. She may not have understood the language but she understood what "relic" and "dome" meant.She forgave him nonetheless. And the name, Aaron. It was alien to her, but that was how he addressed himself.

Sorry, mak.

It's okay, Haron. I understand that you are busy. But why Aaron, Haron? She spoke in Malay.

It is easier for clients to remember it, mak. It makes business deals a lot easier too.

Haron did not worship the same God as his mother. Haron had his own idols of worship now. Idols of money and power which he seeked for, every day of his life.

They arrived at their destination. She got out of the car. He looked at her impatiently, and she knew that she had to make it as fast as possible. She entered the prayer hall.

Oh Lord, i was wrong. My son is not happy. He chases idols that do not exist. Idols that will destroy his soul and he has lost his roots. Lord Almighty, i seek your help. Help him find happiness in his life.

She hurriedly leaves the prayer hall to find her impatient son at the car, with a look of uncertainty on his face. She sits in the car and straps down her seatbelt as the car left it's parking space.

Mak, Maria and I were talking, and we have decided to move out of the house we live in, into a smaller one. It will be easier for us. We can send the maid back, and we can have more privacy. We've found a nice house in Orchard to move into, and it will make me and Maria really happy.

But where will i move to, Haron?

Well mak, Maria and I were discussing that and we have found a nice old folks home where you can stay. The place has a beautiful setting and the people caring for you are very friendly. And i will come visit every weekend.

He gave his mother a weak smile, convinced that he was doing the right thing. He let out a sigh of relief at his mother's understanding and focused on the road. He did not realise the teardrops that were falling from his mother's eyes.

Whatever makes you happy................... Aaron.

2009-12-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

I'm only watching this because of her. HEHE

First things first, i want to watch AVATAR again. I feel that there is not a single dull moment in that movie and that i think it'll be much better in 3D.

On a random note,
i now have more life ambitions.
My first ambition is to find the well that hosts the fallen angels. What is known is that the well is located somewhere in the Maldives or Mauritius and in that well, dwells 2 fallen angels. Wings stripped and cast out of heaven, these angels possess powerful knowledge. These angels can teach the art of witchcraft, but for a price. To learn, is one story. To carry out, is a whole new ball game. To carry out witchcraft will seal your fate in the lowest depths of hell. However, there is another thing. They can teach you the greatest name of God, making you the most powerful person in history. You will not be limited to human capability.

I want to learn. I want to change the world.

My second ambition will never be revealed. Because i want to set it free.

This movie looks like it's going to suck nuts

15 years in the making...

2009-12-17T06:02:00.000-08:00

I have seen the future of movies, and it is awesome!

I am no spoiler, but i urge EVERYONE out there, go and watch James Cameron's..

AVATAR

It is indeed the best movie i have ever seen in the cinemas and wouldn't mind watching another 161min of it in 3D. The movie is fantastic

Rant

2009-12-16T07:38:00.000-08:00

"I'm going to chalet"

"Okay. No smoking or drinking uh"

"k."

And you come home, bumping and tripping over everything, reeking of cigarettes and alcohol.

How can you live with yourself?
-You just do.

NR 1

2009-12-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

At the quiet times in the night, i tend to reflect back on myself. Why i think of things in the way that i do.

I used to think wealth defines a person. As a child, i've grown up watching all sorts of tv shows that have embedded the fact in my mind that wealth establishes a person. A person would be defined by the assets he has, and the inheritance he can pass down.

Then i looked back again. Does wealth really define a person? If it does? Why do the richest people in the world do the stupidest things? Wouldn't they be contented with the lifestyle they can afford? Through the teenage years, i see celebrities who can afford the most expensive of lifestyles, go down the road of self destruction.

Let's face it. At one point of our lives, we all wanted to be happy. And that definition of happy is to have money to support your luxurious lifestyle. Don't lie to yourself. You've thought about it too.

I took a good look around, and got mixed reactions.

"Wow, his dad drives a Jaguar. HIS DAD DRIVES A FREAKIN JAGUAR!"
and
"Okay, he has money, so what."

And to think, that the reactions i got were from people who you can say were of the same "class" - moderate earning with a moderate lifestyle.

I personally go with the latter. So what. So what if my dad drives a fancy car. I'm not the one who has the money. As much as people look at my exterior, i feel that they do not know me personally. They judge me based on wealth. He's rich, we gotta make friends with him.

The only reason why i dress so sloppy and casual, wearing jeans and tee to go out is because i don't want people to see me only for the money i have. I want people to know that i'm not a shallow person, that there is more beneath the exterior.

I AM RAMBLING

But then again, different people think differently of what defines a person.

I feel that what defines a person is how much they can forgive. Forgiveness defines humanity. To be able to forgive is to be able to define a person as a human being, someone worthy of respect. So if you're unable to forgive another person for what they may have done, how can you define yourself as a person? Is that other person not worthy of the same dignity and respect as a human being as you? Nothing is unforgivable in this world. It is you who chooses what to forgive and what to hold on to.

But i cannot define myself as a person. For the simple reason that i cannot forgive myself for some of the wrong things that i have done.

So what is your take?

2009-12-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

Something ticked me off today.

I hate:
1. people who invite themselves to places where they know they shouldn't be. I mean, if you never got an invitation, why show up in the first place? Wouldn't it be awkward if someone didn't want you there?

2. party poopers who always spoil the fun.

3. party crashers who think that the fun will only come with them

4. wannabes who try to fit in by pretending to be someone they're not

5. Liars. I admit sometimes i lie, but it's little white lies. I do not tell huge lies that could potentially damage something.

6. Stalkers. I think they're scary. You would know what it feels like if it has happened to you before.

7. People who think the world of themselves. Let's face it, im not perfect, and neither are you.

8. Elitists who think that the people whom they think are beneath them, do not deserve to be acknowledged.

9. PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT I AM RICH. I think it's important to know that i am not rich, nor do i have any money. I just have parents who are moderately well off and are fortunate enough to be earning the income they are earning. I AM NOT RICH.

There's a lot more actually. Just that i fail to remember them right now. The red parts are edited in after the inital post

2009-12-15T08:59:00.001-08:00

I for one, think that it is sick to cheat on your supermodel wife, with a porn star. It's like, insulting your wife to the max. walau

2009-12-14T09:19:00.001-08:00

as much as i'd like to blog about something right now, i find myself at a loss of things to say.

Meet the bestfriend, the bride-to-be and the groom-to-be. Congrats again Naz!

There are things i need to do this holidays.

1. Catch up with friends

2. Meet up with ex-classmates

3. Study.

With the latter taking up most, if not all of my time, im swamped. But i refuse to be the one who slacks off and barely makes it through As with the most pathetic of results. It's not worth it. J2's gonna be hell for me, but i'm gonna make it worthwhile.

That shall be my vision for 2010.

To excel in the field of academics and to revolutionise leadership, moulding into a better man worthy of respect by others and himself with the embodiment and soul of a champion.

2009-12-10T07:13:00.000-08:00

Life's been busy lately. Jumped from chalet to OGL camp and just constantly moving.

3 days and 2 nights of chalet. In one night, i learnt to grow up. What it's gonna be like when i become an adult. I'm already en route there, why not start learning now.

OGL camp kicked in a couple of days later and i just found myself piled with exhaustion. Worst was yet to come, i had Standard Chartered Marathon duty immediately after camp. The exhaustion just peaked. I fell asleep on Sunday afternoon. I found myself waking up in the late hours of Monday morning.

Then after all the fast paced activity, life slowed down without warning. I found myself, at a loss of things to do.

The typical phrase "go and mug" just rings constantly in my head. But what if i don't want to mug? What if i want to do something, completely unrelated to school?

And i realised that i can't.

Life in Meridian is so confined that i don't find myself talking to friends outside of Meridian as frequently anymore. Even meeting them has become so rare.

"When you're outside, and you look at the school, you'll see it as a prison"

I miss soccer. I miss playing soccer. Never would i thought i'd hear myself say that but yes, i do miss playing soccer. It is by far the one thing completely unrelated to school that i have not done in quite a while.

I don't want to be the kind of person who ditches his old friends as soon as he has new ones.

To revolutionise the image/impression of something or someone, it has to be done when no one has any knowledge of it whatsoever. Orientation is the perfect platform.

101

2009-12-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

Heads up,

I am not a conventional person. The approaches i take are unconventional. I am unconventional. The word predictability does not exist in my dictionary.

I'm no bitch. I'm a bastard. :D In my defence, i have never breathed anything ill of someone whom i think would never speak ill of me. Just don't let the beast out of the cage. I can be nasty, in the way you least expected it.

Fight fire with fire, just don't be afraid to get burned.

If you'll feel guilty if you know this is for you

Bored 2012

2009-11-28T05:38:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year, i told myself that i'd blog frequently to track my progress through Junior College. 120 posts. Fantastic.

Now, i'd like to talk about this new phenomenon that has got everyone so worked up about.

2012.

Now, the theory is that in 2012, the Mayans had predicted the world to end according to their calendar. This theory has gotten everyone so hyped up and all. Well, i wouldn't call it hyped up but you get my point. It has caused so much drama, so much speculation to the point where Hollywood steps in to make a descriptive movie about what is going to happen.

Let me ask you this question. Before you go on to believe that the world will end in 2012, how much of the Mayan belief can you actually follow? Have you ever considered that maybe, they ran out of stone to carve their calendar? They couldn't find a big enough chunk of rock? Or maybe because that they knew the calendar would live longer than them, so they decided to stop?

For your sake, man did not and will not know the day, date or time that they are going to die. If they knew, what's the point of life? You are meant to live your life peacefully, and seek whatever knowledge you may wish, not constantly live in fear of death.

To those who believe in the 2012 movie, you guys are a whole bunch of suckers swallowing bullshit. The real apocalypse is far worse compared to the movie.

I will sleep. and wake up on the 22 Dec 2012, only to laugh at all the suckers who had prepared so much for the glorious day that never came. At least, not yet.

2009-11-07T08:48:00.001-08:00

It has come to a point where to symphatise with you, is just utterly pathetic.

2009-10-18T04:12:00.000-07:00

I want to see the world. I want to paint a picture. I want to know the answers.

Magical eyes and painted lips, i wonder. What do you conceal?
Do you conceal beauty, or the ugly truth?
Structured, pointed, strong. Can it ever really exist?
Is perfection real? It has to be. But yet, where is the example?

Perfection lies in children. The free spirit and purity of them, uncorrupted by age. They're the only perfect things in the world. But perfection fades with the coming of the modern age. But some things never change.

Why is it that the first thing a child learns to draw, is an apple tree?
Why the apple tree? Most have never seen one even until old age.
Why the puffy clouds? Why colour the sky blue? Why are the rays of the sun straight?
Why is the sea blue? Why are the birds little Vs? Why red fire?
Why stick figures?

Why mom?

Why is it that the first person we draw, is our mom?

I should not be stuck in school forcibly learning maths. I should be roaming the world, finding the answers. Beats mugging.

2009-10-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

Promos Promos Promos.

I thought i'd rejoice after it ended. The long hours of studying. The stress levels leading to itches all over my body. The intensity of classes. The breakdowns.

So indeed, i rejoiced. J1 bash, Jalan Raya etc.

Monday morning. S
Tuesday morning. U
midday, E
evening, D
Wednesday morning. S
Thursday morning. D

So lets just say after wednesday morning, for the first time ever in my life, i broke down in school.

Not a nice thing to know that you're not getting promoted.

All i'm doing now is to really pray for my advancement or better yet, some miracle that'll secure my promotion. Coz right now, everything looks so uncertain. So grey.

Now all i can do is wait for that phonecall

2009-09-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

Today, something interesting triggered a bitchy thought.

I think twitter is stupid and a waste of time.
I'm sure right now, some of you will be exclaiming "WHAT?!" and start rambling about how naive and stupid i am about making such a statement. Let me first define what is twittering. For those who don't know, it's this thing that allows you to give updates on things going on in your life at any time, anywhere.

Sure, twittering can be fine, i admit. It is time-saving when a doctor tweets what goes on in surgery to consistently update family members of what's happening in the operation room. That is definitely more efficient than going out on a regular basis, updating the loved ones on the operation.

But where is the line drawn? This is when people start tweeting every waking moment of their lives to the rest of the world. I mean come on, who in hell wants to know if you've just taken a dump or had diarrhoea or are about to go to sleep for that matter? Privacy has already reached it's minimum in our century. Twittering is just pushing it beyond its limits. There is no sense of privacy anymore because everyone gives updates on their lives at every waking moment!

Examples:

"I just had sex with my boyfriend"
and
"I'm having menstrual cramps right now :(:("

Now, i apologise for the crudeness but, WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU JUST LOST YOUR GODDAMN VIRGINITY OR WHETHER YOUR VAGINA IS BLEEDING OR NOT?!

I mean seriously, theres a line to draw at what you should be posting up and what you should be keeping to yourself! These videos seriously represents how i feel about twitter.

So stop twittering, you twits.

2009-09-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

I shall structure my thoughts into posts today.

I find the house significantly emptier this year
So i began to look at the reasons why this was the case. Matin, Alia and Adila are off to University in England, so they're not coming this year. I assume it to be the case for the next few years as well. Fareez is off to university in Switzerland so he's not coming this year either. Shaan, just can't come down to Singapore because the law does not permit him to, NS reservist reasons. And then i realised that the remaining bunch of teenagers in my generation have already entered the Junior College/Polytechnic/University stage as compared to the younger ones, still in primary school and early secondary school.

I feel significantly older. Not long from now, i'd be eligible to drive a car, buy cigarettes and alcohol, and head down for NS. The latter is not so great, but you get my drift. Parents keep emphasising the fact on how maturity level should grow with growing age and that i lack a lot of it. Thing is, i don't want to grow up too quickly. What's the point if i have no childhood memories to brighten my day in the future, when all i'll be able to remember is numbers, graphs and coordinates. So i saw myself fooling around quite a bit at this age.

You're fooling around may just get you into deep shit, my friend.
I made the mistake of fooling around in a college where fools fall. Only the smartest survive, or so they say. I reflected on what i've been doing and i realised, that i've fooled around too much in my life. That feeling of gratitude lingers at the back of my mind, knowing that i realised it relatively early. Otherwise, let's just say i'll be in deep shit for promos. I should just think about the consequences of my actions before carrying them out. Problem is, i'm not one who thinks things through. I go in with a plan, and a back up plan should it fail. I always thought to myself, nothing can go wrong if i have a back up. Then i realised, what if that back up fails? And that was my only back up?

Sit down and think.
I walked alone last night, wandering the streets in my area. I sat down at a playground and just began thinking about things. What if i retain?
The first thought that came after, was why i even considered that. Everyone has their fears. So do i. Months ago i could reassure myself so well that i wasn't going to retain. But after that, the reassurance just slowly began to leave me. I promised myself i would work really really hard to promote.
My goal: to end the greatest form of torture in the world - education. More specifically, Singapore Junior College education.
Then i thought, so what am i going to do if i retain. I've made my decision not to stay if i do. I'd rather go into a poly, doing something i like rather than having to undergo an extra year of junior college, which i absolutely abhor. Not to mention coming from a family comprising of a rising number of University graduates and degree holders, the shame is unbearable. But of course, i'll rethink my decision should the moment come.

Stay calm and control your emotions. You always have, you can't break down now.
Lately i've been having outbursts of emotions. I just feel like screaming, crying, hitting something, breaking something or just killing someone. Call me stressed but that's what i am. I feel so overwhelmed by what's going on in my life right now that sometimes, i just feel like i can't handle it anymore. Then i see the little children playing in the grass, flying kites, walking out of the store with a brand new toy in hand, and i just say to myself. What i would give to be in their place, even if it's just for a day.

I reckon that i can complete the syllabus for chem and maths both by Monday. I'm already done with econs.

And to all my Muslim friends, Selamat Hari Raya! Enjoy this holiday, then get back to mugging.
To my non-Muslim friends, enjoy your extended holiday. Make full use of it!
To all those who take advantage of the holiday to say you're too busy to do anything else, screw you.
Maaf Zahir dan Batin!

2009-09-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Let's all hope i promote, yeah?

Coz i ain't staying in MJ if i retain.

Locked and loaded

2009-09-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

Finally, blogger cleared up.

It is my job to stay far from conformity.

I woke up today realising that mankind has begun to lose their humanity. I began to think of all those random killings people around the world had carried out. And then i asked myself "What was their motive?"

"What was my motive?"

The root cause of it? Simple. Our age has become so technologically dependent that our once human minds have begun to transform to adapt as computers do. We begin to lose our humanity and the sense of right and wrong.

Mini robots going to kindergarten to take exams
Small sized robots conforming to a school uniform
Regular sized robots conforming to blazers and suitcases.

Then there are those who do not want to conform. Those who DARE to be different. Those who DARE to do something extraordinary. But we don't call it extraordinary. We just call it strange. We call them strange, because they are different.

You lose your humanity, and sanity to conformity. There is no reassurance that it's there. Soon enough, our children will not know the meaning of individuality. The word "different" will vanish from the hearts and minds and dictionaries.

Should you feel like you're losing your mind on earth, go get it back. It's simple.

Just take a gun and shoot someone.

I can bet at this point of time, you'd probably be going "what the **** is this guy crazy?" Am i crazy? I don't think so. Just TRY and point it at someone. Will you be able to shoot them? If yes, why'd you do it? If no, why'd you not?

So let's talk about not shooting them first. Why didn't you do it? Did you feel sympathetic or sorry for that person? Or is it because it was the right thing to do? Or is it because you couldn't even give two shits about the person.
Bottom line: not doing it just doesn't prove anything

Now let's talk about doing it. So why'd you do it? Why'd you shoot em? What did you get from it? Well maybe you wanted to see how my results would turn out.

Do you feel that? That guilt lingering in the back of your mind, slowly driving you insane? The fact that what you did was, in someone else's eyes, was wrong. Nyeh if you don't feel anything, congratulations, you are completely insane.

Now, you felt it. So what's going to stop you from going insane? People would say that turning the gun on yourself would define you as insane. Personally, i don't think so. I think it takes a lot of courage, and strength and sanity to know that you're about to die and to actually turn the gun on yourself.

Hardly anyone can even pull the trigger on themselves, much less turn an unloaded gun on themselves without feeling fear.

So who are really the sane ones?

Turn the gun on yourself then, now. You'll know i'm damn well talking about you

2009-09-13T05:23:00.000-07:00

I tend to have this insane feeling after eating a lot of meat.

Call me carnivorous, but im having this insane feeling to kill someone too.

DIE STALKER BITCH! DIE I TELL YOU! DIE!

2009-09-12T10:49:00.003-07:00

I feel, SO GOOD today.

Words can't even begin to describe it.

Especially after slamming down that bastard to tears.

**** you

2009-09-08T05:00:00.000-07:00

You want me to admit it? Fine. I'll admit it. I made a mistake. A big mistake and i'm sorry.

I'm sorry i got found out.

I don't see my move as a mistake, but your overreaction was a mistake. A mistake to have leaked to you some truth about it all.

So screw you. I don't need your goddamn "help". I never asked for it in the first place. I can stand alone. Always have been. Thank god i won't have to see much of you for the next few years.

Yes, thank GOD.

P.S. FUCK BLOGGER. SO FUCKING ANNOYING

2009-08-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

What an emotionally draining day.

Didn't start of so well.

Rough night huh.

Yeah... that sentimental feeling when i'm walking through the school gates, the reminder that i'm no longer part of this place anymore.

and, LEI! MY SEC SCH FORM TEACHER KNOWS OF PICS OF US AT THE BEACH AT SENTOSA O.O

Secondary School. The best 4 years of my life so far.

A draining day, but im happy with the outcome of it all.

2009-08-30T01:14:00.000-07:00

I swear,

If rage was a plague, mine would leave half the world dead by now.

If death was an emotion, i'm the definition of the living dead.

Screw the world twice over. So much for trust in family.

The world is full of disappointments and you get hit squarely in the face by one disappointment after another.
Just means that there's no one i can trust in this goddamned planet.

2009-08-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

You're not in a position to play god with me. You're not fit enough either.

For the simple reason

2009-07-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, it stopped bubbling. I wonder why. I took a dive into the cold water to check out any problems. So far, the plan was flawless. A few setbacks here and there, but it was manageable overall. I could not believe i came this far. I came this far, losing my sense of sanity along the way, but it all seemed worth it.

Broken glass. It became a piece of broken glass, which used to be the centre of attraction anywhere it went, basking itself in the limelight, receiving admiration from the many men surrounding it. Delicate, beautiful and fragile, it seemed flawless to the casual eye.

An observant eye would be able to catch its real detail - how it turned men against each other, how it only took the highest bidder. The prized piece put up for auction. Everyone wanted it. Everyone was charmed by it. The elegance and poise of it all, poisoned the mind, riddling it with disease which ate them alive.

It became an infection. One that was passed on through words from person to person, from place to place, through time. No one knew what it really was, but they wanted it. It was nothing more than a drug to them. No, it wasn't a drug. It was a parasite. It fed on the wants and needs of many, slowly sucking out the souls from their bodies, leaving behind a hollow and empty cavity.

I was driven insane by it - the fact that i could not overcome the insatiable desire to want it. I had to have it. I wanted it all to myself. I devised a plan to take it. If i could not have it for myself, i made sure no one did.

I tied weights around it's corners, there was no way i was going to let it float in the lake. Time would wash away all the evidence of my doing. No one will suspect anything. No one will suspect anyone. It would never be uncovered. A mental checklist ticked itself away. I had reached the end of the plan.

I rowed out into the lake that night. I dumped it into the lake. After it stopped bubbling. I left that wretched place. I left that wretched city. 10 years later and i still walk free.

I broke it that night - that beautiful piece of glass. I killed that woman that night for the simple reason that she did not deserve to be called a woman. She was a beast.

Random

2009-07-26T05:29:00.000-07:00

How do you define a good imagination? A good imagination is not how you can imagine the world was a happy place with pretty ponies and rainbows and all that is magical and fantasy.

No. That's not a good imagination.

A good imagination is how well you can imagine a situation to be, such that it becomes so close to reality. You snap out of an imagination, finding yourself either smiling or tearing. And you ask yourself. "Did that really happen?"

And you know when you imagine hell on earth and snap out of it crying, you're not quite sure what has happened. But when it does happen, you feel like it's all happened before and somehow, it just doesn't affect you as much. You find yourself stronger, more immune to the situation that is ongoing.

I've seen hell occur twice over. Have you? Can you?

2009-07-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

I believe that when everyone dies, they go to heaven.

For the simple reason that every person experiences hell before they taste heaven.

And life is cruel. Thus life is hell.

And i just have this nagging voice at the back of my head

Three

2009-07-25T10:47:00.001-07:00

We are children of the ageless

We feed on the desire to want and want nothing else, but everything. We lack what we desire, thus we desire what we lack. The desire for joy and happiness, for the simple reason that we've never felt it, at the expense of everything else.

We are children of the titans

We come as the wind. Enticing you. Moving right through you. Moving you through us. We make you do what you want, what we want you to do. We seduce. Manipulate. Corrupt. Deceive.

We are children of fire

For we become an unprecedented challenge to you. Every little step we take, materialises the fear. Great fear. We are the ones your parents warned you about. We are their worst nightmares. Every second with us realises that nightmare.

We are the children of hell.
We are the children of three.

Now, there's no running. The world will never be safe until our presence is diminished. We are the mere reason why night lasts longer than day.

We are the children of darkness.

2009-07-21T08:32:00.001-07:00

You hear of inferiority complex

You hear of superiority complex.

But i suffer from a God complex.

Ooh eclipse tomorrow.

2009-07-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Today, was a snoozefest. Literally. I slept away due to medication. Damn the flu.

Apart from the fact that my face spewed blood, nothing much happened

I apopologise for any gramaitical errrors of any sort. Or spelling errors for that matter. The medication's kicking in again.

2009-07-17T08:16:00.001-07:00

RANBICE! SYAF! NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME THAT HE'S GAY?!

The Sistelhood of Yaya

2009-07-17T07:38:00.003-07:00

You know what?! I can't believe i've only had 96 posts so far this year! Okay my life is officially deemed mundane/pathetic/whatever.

I've taken a long 2 week break from posting, simply because i have no freaking idea on what to post about. Life's too mundane.

Aside from this.

C - Malay
E - GP
MC - Econs
U - Geog
U - Maths
U - Chem

And now, i'm under monitoring by the chem department for my work! WEEEE
Okay i'm going intensive starting like, tomorrow. Really needa buck up before promos

Aside from that, i am disappointed. Disappointed at how lousy the 6th Harry Potter movie turned out. The only really interesting part was the start. After which, the movie kinda spiralled downwards into oblivion.

Oh don't get me wrong, i loved the near-end, when DUMBLEDORE DIED. I was the only one laughing in the cinema, with Syaf crying beside me. Sorry dear :p i just can't stand the old man.
And Ranice, the next time you throw popcorn again, i'm stuffing your hair with it :D

The 7th better be worth it.

What else is there to talk about........hmm....

BYE

To Syaf and Nizam, DONE!

2009-07-17T07:38:00.001-07:00

2009-07-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

It's OVER.

Yeah. You guessed it. EXAMS are FUCKING OVER!

Yet i find myself with the insecurity that comes along when you stop mugging after a long time of mugging.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder kicking in. I need to clean up my room. Seriously.

And i feel like a freaking lazy pig. :D

My life is not quite eventful right now. Nothing to blog about.

Swine Flu

2009-06-24T07:30:00.001-07:00

God i hope they close school for another week.

And i'm going for Gaga! :D

On another note,

I discovered today that time is relative. Technically humans can bend time according to their will. Being me, i can notice the slightest change in something if i've been listening to it for quite some time.

I realised that i can slow down and speed up the song NOT BY FAST FORWARDING but yeah. If you focus your mind on the beats of the song and count ahead of the song, you'll find that the song will start to follow your count.

Yes i know i sound crazy, but that's what happens when you're waiting for the train to reach the MRT station.

Fuck it

2009-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Entering.....

Depressive Episode

Phase 1
Phase 2
Phase 3
Phase 4

I might not be able to go for Lady Gaga. So much for being fine. I'm fined.

2009-06-20T04:11:00.000-07:00

I feel the wind blow, caressing my face. It's especially icy today. I wanted to see you. I wanted to speak to you. But it wouldn't even matter. I wouldn't see you. I wouldn't hear you. You're not there. You're never there.

I could feel it. This time was different. I smelled you this time. I smelled roses. It had to be you.

White smoke.

I thought you came. I cried. I felt so complete. I felt so broken. I felt i was lied to. White ash blowing from rose incense sticks.

I felt so lost. I thought you could help me. So i walked away, your whispers still lingering at my ears. I know you came. I know that you're a lie - a mere imagination of my longing.

I'm lost. So where are you?

How i miss it all. Poetry

2009-06-20T01:59:00.001-07:00

And i went to sleep last night with a peaceful smile on my face, knowing full well that i'm still safe.

For now

One more time

2009-06-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hey hotstuff, would you live a great life with me?

Sure, only because it's a great lie to live.

Alright! So what's been going on lately? Well, i don't think there was much that happened on Monday other than Changi Dinner.

Tuesday. Sec 4C chalet! Really nice to see everyone again. Considering i haven't seen Ilyas, Sherwin and Faris ever since results were out i think. And all them poly people. Nice to see them again too.

Wednesday was really nothing much. Consultation with Ms Christel Quek for geog and lepaking till 10pm at Tampines. Hahah okay yes i know i need to mug which i have!

Thursday, really nothing. Woke up, went for GPP, read up econs on the way back, did math.

I need pictures. I want pictures. Actually, they're all on facebook. hahah

I shall try to make it a habit to upload an interesting photo for each entry.

For those who know what it means, DROP the subject. It's starting to tick the both of us off.

2009-06-14T04:48:00.000-07:00

Emotions
Emotional experiences and dealing with emotions themselves tends to be difficult for the Aquarius. This seemingly emotional detachment is what tends to make the Aquarian appear a bit cold and remote when it comes to deeply emotional experiences. It isn't that Aquarians are unemotional people in general, it just takes them awhile to really let people into their lives. Once they let their guard down, Aquarians are very passionate and loyal people.

Ideals
As stated before, the Aquarius personality is that of a humanitarian. They have a strong desire to serve in philanthropic and charitable endeavors. Their societal beliefs are very idealistic in the sense that they believe that one of their main purposes in life is serving to benefit the greater good of mankind. It's not uncommon to see an Aquarian volunteering at the local homeless shelter or generously donating money to various charities.

Temperament
Aquarians do not like to be boxed-in. If an Aquarian feels like he or she is backed into a corner, the person committing this huge mistake will no doubt be on the receiving end of that Aquarian's temper, which can be explosive. Not only that, the typical Aquarius tends to hold onto bitter feelings and resentments. So, if you cross and Aquarius, don't expect to be welcomed back with opened arms.

Lifestyle
The Aquarian lifestyle is a little on the unconventional side because the Aquarius personality is naturally a bit rebellious and non-conformist. People born under this sign are less than thrilled with the rigidity of typical "nine-to-five" work schedules so they often hold less conventional jobs in which the schedule varies. Better yet, they choose jobs that allow them the freedom to make their own schedules and march to their own drums. Just take a look at the following famous Aquarians and you'll see what we mean.

Oprah Winfrey
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Bob Marley
Charles Darwin
Abraham Lincoln
Sir Francis Bacon

I cannot say anymore how true this reading is for me. I bolded the parts which i know are very applicable for me. One correction though.

one of their main purposes in life is serving to benefit the greater good of mankind.

I AM THE GREATER GOOD OF MANKIND

2009-06-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

Get lost

No. I'm staying.

No you're not.

What makes you think so? I'm stronger than you.

Are you sure about that? I'd like to think we're evenly matched

Lies. Now get lost.

You can't get rid of me that easily.

But i am stronger.

No, we're equal.

It's my turn.

No.

You can't run away from me. We're evenly matched. You can never win. We share everything. I am everything you are. For the simple reason that i am you.

Buried

2009-06-13T01:40:00.001-07:00

I feel choked. And strangled. But this time it's the work.

I miss being a free spirit - carefree, happy, joyful and all things good.

This is what singapore's eduation does to you.

I can't seem to focus on my goddamn economics. 2 hours and i'm only 10pages through. FOCUS

Random 101

2009-06-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

And it's beautiful how the most cryptic of messages can be embedded into the simplest of sentences, only for the benefit of one or two to understand. And it's sad how these messages tend to just disintergrate with time.

But not this one.

The temptation of magic

2009-06-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

And it's just like magic.

Past few days have been awesome! Too lazy to mention them here. Go read other people's blogs for more info.

I just love magic.

OOH KINKY!

Insatiability

2009-06-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

I THINK, i am a drug addict. Period

:D

In publish

2009-06-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

You make me feel that life is worth living for.

And hence i thank you.

You've made me void of emotion.

I'm simply just stunned silent

Toilet thought

2009-06-02T09:32:00.001-07:00

Those pictures. They're fake. They're lies. They're truth. They're real. Or at least, they were real.

I found myself. Endless searches and experiments. Turning at every avenue, hoping that a glimmering truth would shed light on the dark lies that fill the void. More dark lies. I've gone so far. I've gone so fast. I've gone. I ran.

So what is the true meaning of self? There is no such thing is self. There are only others. Behaviour, emotions, experiences, expectations are all based on others. Taken from others. Made by others. Turned into your own. You see yourself as how others perceive you to be. What others want you to be. What others made you to be.

With every step taken, you never really find yourself. You just lose yourself, footprint by footprint. I don't know who i am anymore. Do you really? What makes you think you ever knew who you were in the first place? You can never define who you are or see yourself in the back of your mind.

Asked to define who you are, and you define what you are. A musician, an artist, a sportsman, a scholar. So i ask again. Who are you?

Think about it.

I never really found myself. I've lost what i once was. I've lost what i once had. But i haven't lost who i am.

My name is Siddiq, and who i am is not what i am, but what i want to be.

Me.

*To all those who feel the same way, i hope i've provided some form of help

of Fantastical whims and behaviour

2009-05-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yes i have tricks in my pocket, but i am the opposite of a stage magician.

I am a forced lie. I live life, not according to my wishes, but according to the wishes of many. I have no personality, no spirit, no soul. I'm merely a puppet, of which anyone may pull the strings. Pull the strings to do what you want. Pull the strings to say what you want. Pull the strings to get what you want.

Yes i am real, as i am not. I am a paradox, an irony and what you want me to be. I am only a mess of bits and broken pieces of ruined lives and runaways put together but that is what makes me real, does it not?

And the strings begin to break away. Your biggest fears, your biggest worries begin to haunt you. You no longer pull the strings. You are no longer in control. You know what is at stake here. I define the impossible. I define the unimaginable. What was once yours, belongs to me now. And you merely wait for it to go off, showering the world with bombardments of truth.

I am unhinged, and now uncontrollable and you know i am just waiting for the right moment to use yourself against you. Life is not shallow, so think deeper.

My life is a web of lies. How long are you willing to commit yourself to deciphering it?
Time is ticking.

Really freaking tired

2009-05-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

Colosseum is freaking over!! Phew, all the weeks of hard work only to find out that stunts were banned, and the massive rush to finish everything and we settled for fourth.

GOOD JOB CALLISTO!

Special congratulations to Atlas and Phobos who thought they were in deep shit but ended up getting 3rd and 1st respectively.

Congrats to all the participants and all the winners too!

Overall house scores for Colosseum 2009

MIRANDA
CALLISTO
ATLAS
PHOBOS
TRITON

Congrats to all! Now go sleep. Rest up for the whole of thursday.

On the plus side, i got a Medal! Caesar's Challenge, 2nd place. Nyahaha

2009-05-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Perfectionism takes it's rightful place in the front. Everything else takes a ride in the back seat.

I walked up behind this girl today. Thinking it was my friend, i shouted "HI!!!" into her ear. When she turns around, she gives me this awfully shocked look and everyone else stared at me. I just yelled into the ears of a complete stranger. FML

I was in the lecture hall today. As i was stretching my back, my table slipped forward and my calculator and pencil case scattered all over the floor with a resounding crash. Scene of a dramatic moment. FML

2009-05-24T10:14:00.001-07:00

Shallow thinkers.

2009-05-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

Someone, help me

He lay limp on the bed, fully aware of his pitch black surroundings but unable to respond. The sobbing, the yelling, the fighting, the rejoice. He couldn't take it all in. He couldn't answer.

I'm not dead. I'm not dead yet.

The voices were recognisable, but the words that came out were completely alien. He couldn't help but listen to the ongoing conversation. They were yelling. He could never believe they were yelling. They never fought. At least never about this.

And then there was her, pretending to sob beside him on his bed. So what will i get? The car? The house? The estate? The company? He knew it was a lie. All of it was a lie. Life had been a lie for him.

And as he slowly dies, he finally understands the true meaning of life and family. They are never happy things.

update

2009-05-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

I just feel like laughing
And smiling
And frowning
And crying
And screaming
And jumping
And singing happily
And moping moodily

Funny how the world swings your emotions from one end to the other. Or rather, circumstance. Words to be exact.

I have to admit, my mood has been drastically changing between wednesday and thursday.
MJ won
MJ lost
We perfected basket toss
Stunts got banned
Ms Ng's leaving
Ms Tan's leaving
Fatigue is beginning to kick in
Yet i still have to fight on.

I'm just tired from all the excitement and hype, and other stuff...

And i just found out today that floorball kicks in in full gear by July. Well at least i know how well i can cope. Cheerleading dance ends on Wednesday. No more of Colosseum stuff. Funfestique kicks in.

There's a whole load of other shit i thought about but i'm not posting it right now. I need my best friends. They're the only thing that takes me away from everything by driving me insane for a while.

Well, i'm insane half the time so it doesn't really matter.

Rambling

2009-05-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

You look damn shagged sia

Well today started off quite well. NAPFA in the morning. My first ever retest in my entire PE life.

Sit and Reach: 57cm. A
Shuttle Run: 9.9s. A
Sit ups: 45. A
SBJ: 230. C
2.4km: 11.27. B/C
Pull up: 4. D

At least i pass this time. I got either 22 or 23 over 30. There goes my gold, flying away like the piece of crap that it is.

Then we were looking at the Colosseum house scoring.

Miranda
CALLISTO
Atlas
Triton
Phobos

Not bad.They're doing a good job. GREAT WORK GUYS!

Then came the goddamn econs test. Never in my life have i written so much crap in a written test/exam since my Lit O levels considering i fell asleep on my notes last night and woke up with the mark of the binder on my forehead. Why? Coz i slept between 4-6 hours on that thing.

Off to the match at Choa Chu Kang against Temasek JC just now. Seniors won 5-0.

On to the finals baby! Meridians against Victorians for championship of both guys and girls teams.

On a side note, i need to start managing my time better. Reason being, after June holidays, these are gonna be my commitments

House Comm
Floorball
Studies
Campcraft

At current, it's only
Studies, cheerleading, floorball.

Which leaves me little time for anything else.

Anyone wanna catch angels and demons with me?!

I wonder

2009-05-12T04:40:00.000-07:00

Whether i made the right decision. Though there's that slight tinge of regret, i'm happy i came to Meridian JC. At least for now.

Hell if i hadn't come to MJ, i wouldn't have met the kickass fun people that are here. You guys know who you are! Life would be sheer utter shit stress without them around. At least i'm still getting my work done. That's what's important.

So what's been going on the past week. Last wednesday was the girls' floorball match against VJC where i met Denise. And DENISE! Sorry i couldn't lend you my stick. You ask me only when i'm in Pasir Ris on a school holiday. Damn sad right? Haha

What happened on Thursday uhh? Can't remember for shits..

Alright Friday! END OF PI! THE STUPID PIECE OF CRAP THAT EVERYONE SAYS IS THE EASIEST PART OF PW! How great.

Saturday was a cause for celebration. For those who know, good for you. For those who don't, good for you.

Sunday and Monday were intensive catching up session. Had cheerleading Monday morning, where i officially have injured my back but to hell with it :D. As long as i'm in condition to get my 9.5s for shuttle run and 60cm for sitnreach and 50 for my sit up and AT LEAST get 5 for pull up so i can pass NAPFA, i'm good.

Mind you this is gonna be my retake on Thursday, because of my goddamn pull up.

Testimonial match in about a week and Colosseum in about 2 weeks. BRING IT!

Econs test on Thursday, Chem and Maths test next Monday. Anyone up for studying with me at the airport during the weekend?

ugh

2009-05-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

The day started with smiles and laughter.....

The day ended with shouting and moodiness.

Impatience for the weekend to come is taking its toll on me. I NEED MY *beep*.

P.S. i should try staying awake more in class.

P.S.S Fadhil, your tag was deleted due to privacy reasons. I suppose you know why

Just a thought.

2009-05-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

I don't feel i've changed. I know i've changed.

But at least i know there are others like me out there.

Bored

2009-05-02T09:05:00.001-07:00

I WANT CODE BLACK! period

Self-reflection

2009-05-01T09:29:00.001-07:00

I learnt something today.

I learnt that drinking coke can explode your sperms, and eating mint damages your sperms too. Those are the new ones which i found out on Labour Day, apart from drinking Green Tea which kills your sperms and drinking Soyabean Milk which increases estrogen in bodies. Btw estrogen encourages the growth of female hormones in men.

So what exactly is safe to consume without any side effects?

To be completely honest, i have no answer to that. Enough rambling.

I found out something else today. I'm manic-depressive. Not the extreme case, but the mild case. I only realised it when i heard of manic-depressive disorder and finding out that i have some of the symptoms which tells you you're a bipolar.

There you go. I am nuts.

Well then, on to what happened. I went for cheerleading this morning. Somewhat productive. Well at least we did do something. After which i went to watch Wolverine with Danial, Xiao Qi, Hanna, Razeef, Asaad and Serinder. I gotta admit i like the movie though some people think it wasn't all that great.

I finally know that those two are brothers and how he lost his memory. It was a day of learning indeed. Consider it a wayyy more fun school session.

What do you do when the line between dreams and reality start to blur, that it becomes hard to tell them apart. You can't quite remember whether what happened, really happened or was it a dream. Likewise for the reverse.

No one else keeps you in check but yourself. It is your head afterall.

I still feel like i'm perpetually chained to the earth. I'm being forced to do things i don't want to do and i'm obeying rules and instructions for the sake of pleasing others. Don't take this on a social level. It's more of a personal thing.

With freedom comes responsibility. So where exactly is the freedom if you're responsible for it?

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot more to come.

I think self-evaluation really helps. I have to do this more often. So when can i slot in sessions?

Checking.......

After A levels is free.

"You're just the compilation of all the negative habits of each and every elder in our bloodline"
So what does that make me? The worst of them all.

7th House Comm

2009-04-28T05:50:00.001-07:00

Today, was quite unproductive, until it hit noon.

During maths lecture, i received the sms and i am a member of the 7TH HOUSE COMMITTEE

My post?

Vice-Captain of Callisto House

Weee am i satisfied and happy! Nyahaha and i'll be working alongside Captain of the house, Danial Yap.

Yay Firza! We're Vice-Captains!

Random post 102

2009-04-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

You know how people always say "oh this happened because it was meant to happen" or "It's in God's hands" For the most part, it is total crap. I believe that your life is what you make of it. Not what was left to chance. How much effort you put in determines how it will end. Those who choose to "leave it up to Him/Her/Them (points up)", are going to have a hell of a rough time in life.

Why? Because it's just another way of saying they're too darn lazy to do anything for themselves. No one can help you if you don't help yourself.

Do understand this. The ONLY preset destiny you have, is your death. THAT'S ALL. What happens in between, is your own making. So if you choose to fuck yourself in the ass, you can pretty much figure out where you'll end up(mrt tracks orr edge of 18th floor) hint hint.

So now where were we?

I'm just TOO pissed at the weather. Today, it feels like the temperature dropped at least 5 degrees. It's like, air condition temperature now.

First, bird flu.
Now, swine flu.
I wonder if they'll start having cow flu and rabbit flu and whatnot. Hmm.....Now there's a thought(drifts into the geog notes)

I have a test tomorrow, and i'm not really done with my PI and geog revision. :D

2009-04-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

It's so hot. I can't walk under the freaking sun for 5 minutes without sweating like hell. Oh well.

All the best to the house comm nominees for the results! Nyahah

MJ heat is on

2009-04-21T08:09:00.001-07:00

Oh cry me a river.

No wait. Cry me a speech. Please. I need it.

Okay! In response to the people on my tagboard

Ashes: Don't be a twit. I know it was you. Haha
Aman: Yeah i know right! WTF man
Danial: Don't worry dude. It's just tomorrow. Well, tomorrow marks the start of everything
Zul: I got something really bitchy and nasty to say, but i aint gonna say it here. For kindness reasons. Ceyy mcm paham je
Mard: Yes Mard. LETS GO! All the house commers here execpt for one VJ and the other one. :D

Come on world, bring it on. Full force tomorrow. If i pass my econs test on Friday, it'll be a miracle.

Flash the red light

2009-04-19T06:43:00.001-07:00

Ever had that feeling when you hit rock bottom and there's nowhere left to go but up? And if you don't do it fast, you're gonna fall even further?

I havent.....

Right now, i'm still falling. Falling and falling and i'm nowhere near rock bottom. The only hint i'll get if i'm getting there is this wednesday, when i make that speech - the speech that'll determine my place in the 7th House Comittee.

Even if i get a place, and i'm not saying i will, i'll still be quite some distance from the bottom of the pit. What with cheerleading practice coming up, dance routines and stunts alongside the pressures of the house comittee work, i'm only 3/4 of the way down.

Then let's fast forward to June, when floorball training begins to intensify. A possible 3 times a week, during the period that i should be studying for my Midyears and the amount of pressure is just going up and up. I'm still going down,down,down but i'm not touching the ground yet. And if this isn't rock bottom yet, there's no way i can ever go back up.

Then comes midyears which will determine if i have to officially drop floorball because house comm can't be dropped after election which i violently object to.

Guess it's better i realise how much weight i'm going to pull now than later. That way i can still make the adjustments to cope with it.

And then there's you. You're just something i can't deal with right now.

I didn't think the year would go by this quickly. We're almost half way through.

Gosh. Pull yourself together. You're starting to slip. You never slip. You're starting to show emotional bursts. You're starting to show weakness in control. You let yourself slip once and you lose. It's a long way back up. Hold it together

Ow, my back

2009-04-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Backaches, cuts and what not. I finally understand the pains of being a cheerleader.

PW's a bitch.....I leave home before sunrise and arrive home long after sunset. Life's mundane right now. Social life is officially in the toilet. Everything only revolves around MJC. Boy, Zana wasn't kidding when she said your social life is gonna go down the drain. I miss the days of going to parkway/tampines after school.

I barely have time to go to tampines even though my school's like, and MRT stop away.

Well, there's really no use complaining. Not like anything is gonna get better.

Coming up next....

House comm
Colosseum
Midyears

Lacking siaa.....

2009-04-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

Nomination form submitted.
PI halfway done.
Malay test tomorrow.
GP undone.

Well then.....Must get to it.

Thank god this week is only 4 days. Got time to catch up on my social life and Cheemistry for the upcoming test.

Oh and Happy 1st Anniversary to the Campcraft 08 teams! :D

House Comm

2009-04-01T06:26:00.000-07:00

"I hear this Siddiq name a lot of times already. Siddiq come down please"

Or something like that.

Okay i am running for house comm since everyone opposes me from withdrawing. Oh well.

I can handle it. Don't worry, Dionne.. I shall see you in 09S417 next year and not join 10S417. :D

PAE

2009-03-31T05:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, the government should just fucking reintroduce PAE. If PAE was still around, i would've made a switch to poly already. So will Vanessa. Right Vanessa?

Lost Generation

2009-03-27T08:26:00.001-07:00

Okay i found this video from Danial's blog. It was the one shown during the PW lecture regarding a lost generation. I saw it weeks ago during the Chrystal programme and i find it interesting enough to share with all of you.

So which side do you support? Follow your instinct and see which hits you harder.

Now, long overdue tagbacks.

12 March 09 onwards.
Dionne: Shut up lahh... No need SPAM
Selynna: No idea
Danial: Linked alr!
Jiaying: Yes i rmb you. haha
Syafiqah: yeahhh we are awesomazing!
Passerby: No need do lah.
Aishah: Haha shhhh
Hannah and Shikin: Korang menyebok je....not what you think lah.
Dionne: Ya lah i fail by 1.5 only
Nad: WOOOHOOOO

Back to college

2009-03-22T06:51:00.001-07:00

I miss the days when this happened. The end of O levels break seems so far away now. Just like prom, it's all starting to become fuzzy.

You only remember something the way you want it to. Everything else becomes fuzzy. My memories of them, most of them anyway, aren't real anymore. I always thought it sweeter than it really was.

Which is why we have pictures. To constantly remind us what happened. What really happened. But it still seems so far away.

I can't even remember what really happened on thursday night. Pardon me.

Homework's a bitch. Time calls me to sacrifice my old ways and start all over. Muggeridian, here i come.

10 more weeks are just gonna fly by all over again. Then it's gonna be midyears. Then promos. Then JC2 begins. Yes JC2. I'm not retaining. No way in hell.

Work

2009-03-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

1. ~~E learning of gases~~
2. ~~E learning of Maclaurin + Transformation curve~~
3. ~~E learning quiz of gases~~
4. ~~Summary of gases tutorial and tutorial qtns 1-7~~
5. ~~March holiday assignment(Mole and Redox)~~
6. Econs essay plan and written
7. ~~Econs E learning~~ + Online quiz
8. ~~Econs DRQ 22 qtns~~
9. Maclaurins tutorial
10. ~~Graphing techniques 1 tutorial~~
11. ~~Online GP quiz~~
12. ~~GP readings on marriage and family~~
13. Zenith
14. Geography Essay outlines
15. ~~Webquest Survey~~
16.~~Malay homework~~

With 4 days to go. It's 1.15am and i have training in 9.5 hours. Followed by chalet. Weee....Remainder of homework WILL be done on friday so i can have a good weekend break. :D

Announcement

2009-03-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

To all who think i am a secret mugger, just to let you know.

I failed an online chemistry test which was MCQ and 45 minutes long with my notes beside me. I am NOT a secret mugger. Don't worry Dionne

zzzz

2009-03-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

Holidays have started! Yes! Though i have spent most of my time lazing around at home trying to recover from a very bad flu that either Haneef/Fairul/My dad passed to me. Yes. Very Fannoying.

Too lazy to do homework but i said i won't procrastinate. So i've done the easier tasks first. Reading stuff like GP. Heh. The annoying thing about E- learning is that homework still comes in DURING the holidays. Not before, but during. Okay whatever.

I've entered sleepless town

2009-03-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, the title says it all. Well, there are a number of things you can derive from that sentence. First off, some of my classmates including myself plus the Arts Stream students went to watch the play called Sleepless Town. Syafiqah's my date. Yes, i have to admit that the play had exceeded expectations considering i did not think so highly of local productions.

Explicit sexual scenes, vulgarities, masturbation, rape etc etc. But the message conveyed through the play, was brilliant. That is of course, if you understand it from the very beginning. May not appeal to those who can't understand the plot or simply hate Literature. Don't get me wrong, i think hate is a strong word but i despise literature after the O levels. Okay side tracking.

Bottom line is, the play was brilliant. I highly recommend anyone who loves Singaporean comedy and doesn't mind explicit scenes, to watch it. On a side note, Nizam's a camwhore.

On to the next point. Although this term had only what? 5 Weeks? I've somewhat exhausted myself in school. Maybe i'm not fully geared into the Meridian system yet but it's just taking a toll on:
1. My sleep
2. My TV time
3. My social life.

Maybe it's acceptable because upon entering MJ, i've agreed to the terms and conditions of the hellish life. A level results were good. Looking at the grades, the subjects i'm taking had relatively high percentages of ABs. Motivation to work hard and not get retained. I didn't get to see my name in the honours list for Os, maybe i'll try for As. Heh.

So Term 1 is drawing to a close and i'm looking forward to Term break very much. It's gonna allow me to catch up on the hectic schedule of school homework that i've constantly been procrastinating against, as well as have some fun. Not having fun is not an option. Once term 2 starts, PW is gonna eat up a hell lot of time.

Equation: PW + Tutoring programme + Homework + Studies = No more weekends.

Now, what's lined up for the holidays.
Friday - Monday: Finish up ALL homework
Tuesday - Sunday: Enjoyyy.......Hahaha

Yes it is highly achievable. I'm hedonistic and i've learnt my lesson not to procrastinate. Don't blame me. Afterall, i have found a form of stress relief and NO, it's not what you perverted guys think.

Casino Royale

2009-02-27T05:53:00.000-08:00

Saya syorkan anda.

Haha Cikgu Rai is so gonna kill me for this. Mintak maaf, cikgu! saya takde keje.

Okay what the hell.

Flag off at road race. Ran down ramp, couldn't stop in time and smashed into a wall. Now my knees are bruised and scratched all over. What the heck. Ankle hurts coz of muscle strain. Too much running. 2 hours straight.

PE kinda sucked. Forfeit, repeat pull ups, CMI. I'm in the armstrong club. Ah doesn't matter. Just train up uh. I will get gold for freaking NAPFA.

SBJ will suck though. Jeapordise my chances for it. OH YA!

Soiree. I got free poker chips. K lah i only have 4 but some people have like, 18! Aman, i sympathise with you man. Whack em up next year.

Okay i have no idea what else to blog about. Waiting for pics to come in. Team photo, plus the pictures erfi took of everyone.